5 Dumb Reasons Not to Be Kind to Someone
I once tried (and failed) to start a “social movement” called, “Say thank you to your bus drivers.”
At the time, I was commuting into the city for school. And every day, I’d sit on my bus and observe the number of riders who either greeted our driver upon boarding, or thanked them on their way out.
I don’t have any specific data here, but it wasn’t a lot.
And I was floored. Isn’t it basic decency to thank someone for driving you around?
How did we get this way?
How did we become so unkind?
Here’s 5 dumb reasons why we sometimes choose NOT to be kind to someone:
1. “They’re a stranger.”
Unexpected kindness is the best kind of kindness. Do you know how many sad and lonely people are walking around this earth who would give their left arm to have someone smile at them and acknowledge their existence?
Wouldn’t the world be a slightly better place if we saw strangers as friends we just haven’t made yet? Maybe that sounds a little too Mr. Rogers for some people, but isn’t it dumb to think that so many of us walk around NOT liking people simply because we don’t know them?
2. “They aren’t kind to me.”
This is when kindness becomes counter-cultural. In today’s society, we only give respect when we get it. Most people say, “why should we be nice to someone who isn’t nice to us?” I say, “why not?” Are you only nice to people because they’re nice to you?
Unkind people are arguably the people who need kindness the most. Nobody is a jerk from birth. They’ve just been hurt and haven’t found a healthy way to deal with their pain. Maybe their parents were also hurt jerks. Whatever the reason, withholding your love and warmth will only hurt them more, and in turn make them more angry, mean, impatient, rude, etc. Kindness can be disarming in these situations. It lowers people’s defenses and gives them less fuel for their own cruelty. It can also be transformational if you let it.
3. “They don’t deserve it.”
Wow, a lot to unpack here. First off, we are not God. We don’t get to decide who does and does not deserve ANYTHING. We have every right to choose not to be kind to someone, but we don’t get to say whether or not they deserve it. Sorry. This is a hard stop for me.
And again, this takes me back to #2. Most of them time when we say someone doesn’t deserve our kindness it’s because they’ve hurt us. Or someone we love. But are you perfect? Have you never hurt someone before? Do you always “deserve” kindness according to your own scale? I know I don’t. Someone has to stop the cycle here. We have to be brave enough to stop the exchange of pain.
4. “That’s their job.”
Back to the bus drivers. A lot of people think they don’t have to be nice or grateful to people in service positions because what they’re doing is their job. “Why do I have to thank the person driving me/serving me/caring for me when they’re getting paid to do it?” Or, “I’m tipping them, aren’t I?”
First off, most people in a position of service aren’t getting paid nearly enough. And to be honest, your tips usually suck. Second, money isn’t synonymous with kindness. Or gratitude. Your bus driver doesn’t HAVE to drive you. Your server doesn’t HAVE to serve you. They have chosen to do so. And regardless of their motivation, they’re doing something for you so you don’t have to do it yourself. Does that not warrant your gratitude? Am I taking crazy pills?!
5. They’re a member of a different group.
I was originally going to title this one, “I don’t agree with them.” But honestly, it’s not just that we don’t see eye to eye or have opposing views on things. Sometimes, we’re not kind simply because someone is a member of a different race, gender, political party, religion, sexual orientation, class, etc. And it’s slowly killing us.
Too often, our culture looks at differences as a threat. We’ve lost the art of empathy. We’ve forgotten that diversity is what makes us strong. For the love of God—and of people—let your kindness cross every border society has created. Tear down every invisible wall we’ve put up one smile, nod, and greeting at a time.
And the dumbest reason TO be kind to someone?
“Kill them with kindness.”
Please don’t. Kindness used as a weapon is no longer kindness — it’s manipulation. When we show kindness to make people feel guilty, or like a jerk, we become the jerk. We poison our kindness with cruelty.
We shouldn’t show kindness because we want to make people feel bad. We should show kindness because we want to make people feel good. Using kindness to stick it to someone completely misses the point.
One last thing
By now, I probably sound pretty self-righteous. But hear me when I say: I am not kind all the time. I don’t always smile at strangers. I don’t always say the nicest things about people at work, or to my husband at home. I’m not perfect by any means.
But I want to be better. I work on myself every day in an attempt to grow and soften my heart towards others. Kindness has a ripple effect. If I can just get one more person to think a little differently—to be just a little more kind in their own lives—maybe, just maybe, more people would say thank you to their flippin’ bus drivers.
